Am I Third?

Last night I was teaching a Theology of the Body for Teens class. The focus for this chapter was using vs. loving, and willing the complete good of another in all your relationships.

It's funny how, even as a teacher of the course, you learn some fascinating insights. I obviously knew the difference between loving and using, and, on a surface-y level, always strived to want the good of another person, as opposed to using them for my own selfish reasons. But, I realized I am not all that good at loving after all. More times then not, I want things my way, even if I don't admit it. I use people I know for drives, for someone to hang out with and for excuses, and most of the time I don't even know I am doing it.

As I was teaching the lesson to the girls last night I was doing some serious reflecting on my own relationships; dating, family and friends. I was recalling how I have felt in the past when I knew I was being used by someone. I felt like crap. I was angry and annoyed and built up frustration towards them, without ever really addressing the issue. I hate the feeling of being used.

I don't mean being used in a sexual way and then being tossed aside. Thank you God, for never allowing me to experience that pain. But, I have been used by people who only keep me as their friend in case no one else wanted to hang out, or by people who were only kind to me when they wanted a drive somewhere, or by people who took advantage of my inability to say 'no' when asked to do something or help with something. And, I still hold resentment for some of those people.

I also realized that the people I have used in the past were probably well aware of the fact I was using them. I don't mean I used them all the time, but I did take advantage of their kindness, selflessness, and time on more then one occasion. I more then likely made them feel like crap. But, all of those people still love me.

I can't say the same for the people who I have felt used by. Most of those people I have driven out of my life, thinking it would be easier to remove them then to have to face them and admit they'd hurt me. How pathetic is that? I can't even forgive them and move on! Yet, the people I have used continue to love me and do what is best for me. They are nearly always selfless, and put me ahead of themselves.

Now I am  embarrassed to say this, but I use God all the time. When I am overwhelmed, stressed out, angry or don't know where to turn, I run crying to God. Which is fabulous, right? Except when things are going perfectly I often forget to stop, thank Him, and pray for someone who's life maybe isn't going so smoothly. And, yet, He still always loves me. Always. He never, for even a second, stops. If He stopped loving me, I would cease to exist.

Mind blown.

Here is the King of the Universe, who has the power to stop loving me, and therefore end my mere existence, and He never does. He knows every inch of my heart, and he knows the deep-rooted selfishness that lies there, that no one on Earth can see, and HE STILL LOVES ME!

And here I am, being all selfish and unable to forgive those who use me. Sigh...

Anyway, the point of this is to challenge you to love others. To always put their will before your own.

I am third.

Care to join me as we strive to always be third? Let's keep one another accountable here!

Many prayers and love,

Emily xox