Do you ever have one of the phases or stages in your life when everything seems wrong? If you have, you know exactly what I am talking about.
It is one of those times when there seems to be a pile of little, painful things. Like a hundred teeny thorns in your side. Lately, I have been in one of those stages. I am not writing this to complain, although I have been doing a lot of that lately (and I am sooo not proud of that). I am writing this because I think I need to know I am not alone in feeling this way. I am not looking for a pity party...Heaven knows I do not need that. I am not looking for sympathy, although that sounds mighty appealing. I am looking for fellowship and to be able to help, even one person who may read this.
I know things have really not been that bad for me. I mean, I have a home, people who love me, food to eat, a car to drive and a job. I have everything I need. But, that does not mean I am above feeling a little down in the dumps lately. No huge, earth shattering tragedy has turned my life upside down, and for that I am entirely grateful. But, it has seemed that, lately, nothing is going right. Or, at least not the way I want it. All these little things, that on there own seem like tiny life hurtles, have come all at once. And, I have been left in the dust, feeling just a little overwhelmed, sad and, I am ashamed to admit it, but very sorry for myself.
There has been a lot of crying...over spilt milk and other equally ridiculous things.
The other day, over a cup of coffee, I was talking to my Momma. She's a wise woman when I let her be. I was crying (which I don't allow myself do in front of others very often) and sputtering about how things just seemed to be going wrong, and I was just so unhappy and I couldn't figure out what I am supposed to be doing or where I am going. I told her how incredibly frustrated I am because I have been praying and praying and seem to be getting no answer. I was just fed up.
She comforted me, and gave me some advice and words to ponder. But I think the greatest gift she gave me in that moment was just letting me hurt...She didn't try to fix it or explain it, but she just let me cry and hurt and see the mess. She wasn't promoting a pity party or anything, but she just let me lay the mess out there and cry for a few minutes until I was ready to smile again. Of course it wasn't like she waved a magic wand and I felt better, suddenly. But, she let me show her the messiness that was inside me. She let me show her the deepest, most painful, most hurt and scarred, most broken and most shameful parts of me. She let me be me. Totally, wholly and without judgement.
And, that is the most awesome gift she could have given me in that moment. I struggle so much with opening myself up so deeply, so by letting me show her the messy bits, she gave me the confidence I needed to be able to share that with other people in my life, and with all of you. By being able to do that, she has given this gift a thousand times over. She has given me the freedom I needed to show my messiness so I, and those in my life, can somehow discover the message hidden beneath all the layers of filth and grit. She let me be okay with being me, messy parts and all.
That is the most beautiful gift.
Thank you, Momma. I certainly hope I can find the message in this darkness.
-Emily xo
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