Being in school has added a massive other dimension to my life. Having been out of school for three years I had added other dimensions to my life, taken on other projects and focused on other things. Shifting a major part of my attention back on school has been hard. I am now nearing the end of my third month of school (and finals!) and I still am struggling with this balancing act. Being out of school for three years had allowed me to develop parts of myself that I wasn't able to during school. For example, not being in school allowed me to have time to attend Mass on a more regular basis, spend more time in prayer, put more of myself into developing my relationship with Troy, improve my relationship with my family, help with youth ministry in my dioceses, read books I was interested in (and didn't have to read), enjoy my friends and spend time with them and many, many other things.
Since starting school I had been doing all of these things plus being in class for about 24 hours a week, working 7 hours a week and spending nearly 3 hours every evening on homework, studying and assignments. Needless to say, I was wearing myself thin and hit a wall. With finals approaching, my first clinical placement coming up and many school projects needing attention God called me to my knees and asked me to over look my life.
Maybe you've heard the quote, "If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." And, He certainly will. However, sometimes He will tug at your heart and ask you to take a step back, with Him, and overlook where you are. This was the point I had reached.
As much as I loved everything I was putting my time and heart into I couldn't carry on at this rate. So, I sat with my King, took a deep breath and asked Him where He wanted me, and then I asked Him to match my will to His...a very hard task for someone as stubborn as me!
I unfortunately had to step back from my role on the Diocesan Youth Ministry Team as I wasn't being fair to them if they were counting on me to do things I just couldn't at this time in my life. As much as I love youth ministry I felt God calling me back to Him. School had tested my relationship with Him, since finding time for prayer and Mass became increasingly difficult. I felt Him calling me to deepen that relationship before seeking to lead others to Him in a youth min. leadership position. (Obviously I still am called to evangelize everyday, but not to the same capacity I was as part of the team).
Letting go of certain things in life and allowing myself to focus on others has been hard...harder than I expected. I feel like I am constantly feeling like I have failed...and I am constantly questioning if I am enough?
But, I am more than enough...I know that. Allowing God to refocus me and summon me back to His heart is not a bad thing. People will think whatever they think...only He and I can know what's best for me. And, I have to follow where He leads because that is the surest way to the gates of Heaven.
-Emily xo
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