That may sound silly, because at first it did to me too.
As I began this new job I realized something that set me apart from most of the people I was caring for. Yes, there are obvious things like my ability to care for myself, my age, etc. But, there was something else too. As I reflected on this I realized that it was my sense of purpose.
See, all of the people I work with have lost some physical or mental ability to provide care for themselves at home, or the person who once provided it is gone or is no longer able to. That is a difficult place to be in, and often not one that is given much regard. I think we are all just quick to assume that people in facilities like this one don't have the same feelings we might if we were in their shoes. We chalk up their supposed inability to feel to age, or functioning capacity. That isn't true though.
In the last month I have encountered many people who feel so lost. They question their purpose, their value, the point in their life. And, many wish their days away because they become so consumed by this thought. Part of that is situational, of course. I mean, if they had the physical ability to live on their own, be active and do what they please then they may not be feeling these things. But, part of it is societal.
What do I mean by that?
Well, society has lessened the value that was once placed on aging. Years ago, there was a certain reverence, if you will, when it came to aging. People saw an aging person as someone to be treasured, respected and cared for. Over time that view has shifted and we are beginning to think of aging as something to be pitied. Be try, desperately and unsuccessfully to preserve youth and to prolong the inevitable aspects of the passing of time. And then, once you've reached a magic age, or you've lost some physical or mental ability the way people look at you changes.
Instead of an active grandmother who loved fiercely and worked hard they see an old lady who's losing touch with reality, they see your ailments and you become defined by them. People see you age and assume things about you. They no longer see any part of your identity other than your age and loss of ability.
We assume people don't notice when how we look at them changes. That isn't true. They notice, and they are hurt. And, they try desperately to prove you wrong. But, with more time passing that becomes more and more challenging. And eventually, they begin to believe the look they see in our eyes. They begin to identify themselves by what they can no longer do rather than by all the successes they've had and trials they have overcome in their life. It's as if the past is no longer relevant and they become consumed by their present state.
So, they lose their sense of purpose. Because their purpose once was obvious to the world...they were a mother, a father, a farmer, a nurse, a teacher, a coach, a military man, a grandmother and someone's hero. The world saw that without much effort in trying to show them. Now though, what the world sees is ailments and struggles. The past is hidden beneath physical loss and the world no longer cares to reveal and find out, and they no longer have the ability to reveal it to us. Without a purpose being outwardly evident to everyone they encounter it becomes difficult to see it for themselves...and they begin to ask...
What is my purpose?
I can't even walk, what can I offer to the world?
I can't speak anymore, what can I do for those around me?
We, as a society, have taught the aging population to think of themselves as defined by their ability to do. That isn't what purpose is. We need to change this definition so people no longer lose their sense of purpose with the passing of time. That isn't true, and it is far from fair.
Purpose is being, not doing. Elisabeth Kulber Ross {author of On Death and Dying} says, when speaking to a dying woman who has lost her ability to use language and her body,
"If you can regard this as a challenge, and not as a threat or a punishment or something negative, but as a real challenge...Do you think it's more important to run around the house, using the broom and cleaning windows? Or is there also a purpose in learning how to receive? And letting your children mother you a little bit, now that you have mothered them for so many years? Don't you think that teaches them something? Every day you can give your children to take care of you and to see your courage and your love is a gift to them. And you cheat them out of all these experiences if you're afraid to receive."
Dr. Kubler-Ross and Blessed Mother Teresa
I think she says it so beautifully. There is a real purpose in letting others care for you. Not only does it teach you to accept and receive help (which is incredibly humbling) but it also teaches those who are caring for you about courage, love and compassion. We don't ever want anyone cheated out of that purpose.
I really encourage you to be thankful for the purpose and identity you have right now in your life and to also be fully aware of the purpose you may not be able to physically see or identify in yourself and in others. Look deeply and seek to find the face of Christ in every face you encounter; and there you will find purpose.
Emily xo
Video of Dr. Kubler-Ross speaking to the dying woman
{Disclaimer: I make a lot of generalizations in this post & I realize that. I know not every elderly or disabled person views themselves in this manor, and I also realize not everyone who views themselves in this way are disabled or elderly. We all struggle with finding purpose. I am also aware that a lot of people do see the purpose in elderly people, disabled people and in everyone they encounter. Again, I am just speaking in general terms and from my experiences. There are always exceptions, of course}
