Just Friends?

I recently had an interesting conversation with a friends regarding relationships...specifically those undefined ones. You know what I am talking about...those ones that when someone asks you about it, you shrug and say, "Well, it's not official", or "We haven't given it a title."

I have a huge problem with these type of relationships, or lack there of. There is no such thing as being 'undefined'. The way I see it, you can split your relationships with people other then your family into three categories. Maybe there are exceptions, but I would say this is a generally good guide line.

Acquaintances: These may be people you work or go to school with. You are friendly with them and acknowledge them. They are the people you discuss small matters with. For example, "How are you today?", "I heard you were on vacation, did you enjoy your time away?", "Nice to see you again. How did you spend your summer?" You don't go deep with them, and wouldn't invite them into your home for a long morning chat over a cup of coffee.
These people are important because often time they give us confidence in our ability to socialize and give us someone to chat with that doesn't require depth or huge emotional investment (which, let's be honest, sometimes we just aren't up to)

Friends: These are people with whom you are comfortable. You don't have to try to impress them by being anything other then yourself, but are still careful with what parts you allow to be revealed. You can talk to them about the small, surface-y things, but can also reach a certain point of depth. They are people you go out to dinner with, invite over and spend special occasions with. There may be certain things you feel unable to talk to them about, for example, religion, or personal issues. They are wonderful for support, encouragement and a good laugh, but lack a certain element of depth.

Best Friends: This may be a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, or someone with whom you share a significant past. You are never afraid to share your heart with them because you have a massive amount of trust that they will help you carry it, and not destroy it. You have a lot of emotional investment in the relationship with them, and feel comfortable with them to be wholly yourself. You know they will not pass judgement, even though they may gently correct you. You know you can do the same for them.
This relationship is critical and does not happen over night. It takes much time to build the foundation of trust and loyalty that this friendship is built on.

I find that, woman in particular, fall into relationships with the opposite sex and we allow ourselves to be confused. I am not saying that it's our fault, because I know that woman often lead with their hearts. It is just how we are created. However, there are ways to help ourselves.

I am going to use a story of a friend of mine, whom we will call Lily, to illustrate my point. Lily came to me, heartbroken, after she found out a man who she'd been spending time with over the past year had lied to her, or omitted certain details of his personal life. She had told me, over and over again, that they were not dating, and although I had my suspicions that her feelings were more then that of a friend, I assumed that they had decided not to get romantically involved. So, I was a little surprised when she came to me upset. If she was not dating him, then I wasn't sure why she expected him to tell her ever detail of his personal life. From my point of view they were in the friends stage, and there was a certain depth, but not full disclosure of every detail.

When I asked her about their relationship she said that they were more then friends. I asked if they were dating and she said no...

This is what went wrong. She allowed herself to get so emotionally and physically involved with this man that she could no longer see what their relationship truly was, in his eyes and the eyes of everyone who knew them. If one partner in the relationship, be it friends or more, is more invested then the other, people get hurt. It cannot be helped. That's why, sometimes as adults, men and woman can't be best friends without dating, or being married. You have to reserve certain parts of yourself (physically and emotionally) and be careful about what relationships you invest in.

Ladies, if a man can't put a title on what you have-run! Seriously, you will get hurt. If your feelings are growing for him, and he doesn't feel the same way don't continue to invest yourself in hopes he will change. You need to be on the same page about where you stand in your relationships.

I hope this will help and encourage some of you in some of your relationships. I hate seeing people hurt because of miscommunication and lack of understanding.

Good luck and God bless!

-Emily xo